This Would Be Much Easier If He Wasn't a Ninja
by Abstract Cupcake
Summary: The course of true love never did run smooth... and especially not at H.I.V.E. Add an electric eel, x-ray glasses, a new member of the water polo team, several types of doom rays, and a MMORPG. Hilarity, mayhem, and GIANT SPACE ROBOTS ensue. Shelby/Wing
1. Nerd Talk and Witty Banter

**A/N: My first H.I.V.E. fanfic. A couple of notes:**

**a) This will be multichapter. The chapters will probably switch off between Shelby (first person) and Wing (third person). I have no idea how many chapters it will have, but I'll try to update frequently.**

**b) Pairing: Shelby/Wing all the way. There might be some Otto/Laura later in the fic. **

**c) It might get a little darker later in the fic as well; I'm really not sure yet.**

**d) I would love it if you reviewed with some constructive criticism on**

** 1) the style of writing. It's kind of rambling and I'm not sure if I like it.**

** 2) the characters. I'm trying to keep them from being dreadfully OOC, but am I succeeding?**

** 3) basic grammar/mechanics, because I have problems with tenses.**

**Disclaimer: I wish.**

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"…however, we can solve the issue of spontaneous combustion by adding the molecular stabilizer, which, when applied correctly, can…"

I could practically feel my eyes glazing over. Professor Pike gestured to one of the many compartments on the diagram I could not comprehend. Hell, I didn't even know what it _was_.

Attempting to shake myself out of my mental stupor, I glanced around at the rest of the class. Laura and Otto, lab partners again, were both enraptured. Laura kept nodding, like she understood. What she understood, though, is beyond me.

Behind me, Franz and Nigel were both looking completely lost. They were pretty nice guys. Nigel had been a little wary of me though, ever since I stole his uniform one time, just to keep in practice. I know that's morally wrong and everything, but we're at a school for _villains._ AND I gave it back… the next morning. He'd had to wear one of Franz's uniforms that whole day, so naturally he was swimming in it. It kept falling down. Nigel wears boxers with platypuses on them.

It was really, really funny.

I leaned across to Wing, my lab partner. "Do you understand any of this?" I whispered. "Because I don't. I mean, what the hell is this anyway? Some kind of space-age ice cream maker?" That doesn't sound too bad, actually. I like ice cream; that's one of the things I miss most about America. There are no good ice cream places in H.I.V.E., and yet they serve haggis. Laura loves haggis, but the very idea of which disgusts me. Just thinking about that makes me want to become a vegetarian. Except I like hamburgers.

For a moment, it looked like Wing might smile, despite the fact that was one of my more pathetic jokes. Then his eyebrows steepened towards each other, and he gave an almost imperceptible shake of the head, telling me to be silent. I could tell he was trying to concentrate on the computer generated diagrams in front of us, which had grown a bunch of little arrows that were gesturing and squiggling. I had long ago given that up to be a lost cause, as I could never hope to understand it.

Hate to say this, but that shun _hurt. _Luckily, right then, the bell for the class rang, cutting of Professor Pike. The holographic diagrams in front of us faded. "What's up with that, big guy?" I asked, shoving him a little as we left. "No one shushes the Wraith."

"I was under the impression I was talking to Shelby, not Wraith. However, if you have developed multiple personalities, merely alert me and I will hasten to get you the appropriate help." Wing replied, looking down at me.

"Okay, three things. First, if that was a joke, it was one of the least funny jokes I've ever heard. Second, I SO do not have MPD. Once a Wraith, always the Wraith. Don't you ever forget that. Third, why do you have to be SO FREAKING TALL?" It was true, Wing towered over me. I won't deny that I'm guilty of liking the strong, dark, handsome guys (cough Wing cough) but sometimes it could be a little annoying. When sparring, for instance. It's kinda hard to spar with someone when you have to tilt your head back to see their face.

Wing raised an eyebrow. "Another three things," he said, looking uncannily like a professor I had just mouthed off to, which has happened many a time. Ah, nostalgia. "First, you are obviously not counting any of your own jokes in that mix, which are sadly not funny even to the one who, as you so aptly put it, was born without a sense of humour. Second, I doubt I will ever forget that you were once the Wraith, even if I intended to, as you insist on springing references every few days. Third, I believe that my genetics are to blame for my height. I suggest you take the case up with them instead of yelling at me." He nudged me with his elbow, the only way you could tell he was teasing through his unbreakable calm. It still ended up shoving me into three members of the science and technology stream, who glared and moved off.

I raised an eyebrow at him in what I hoped was a cute and playful way. One of my boyfriends back in California told me it was once, but he turned out to be a psycho. "Careful there, you might hurt my feelings," I pouted, bumping him with my shoulder. "Let's see who's laughing in Tactical Maneuvers today. I _PWN_ at dual wielding."

"'Pwn'?" Wing asked, looking amused. I gave him a quick reproachful look as I tied my hair into an elastic in preparation of our next class.

"You're just jealous your vocabulary is so painfully limited, noob." I stuck my tongue out at him. It had been a while since I'd stooped to nerd talk; if anyone other than Laura found out that I illegally played World of Warcraft on my computer, I would die. I'll have to control that in the future.

Wing was about to make some kind of "witty" retort, but then I saw Laura frantically motioning to me across the hallway. "See you later, big guy. You better prepare to be PWNED!" I added over my shoulder, just to annoy him, but all he did was smile at me in this exasperated way. It was kind of cute.

Laura immediately broke into giggles when I got to her. "Pwned? Shel, are you suffering from withdrawal again? Do I need to hold a support group for you and your weird geeky habits? Honestly, _I'm _supposed to be the nerd in this relationship."

"Oh, shut up, Brand. Let's not even begin on what I read in your diary about Otto last week. Hormonal teenage girl much?" Ha. Beat that. I'm deeply aware that to most people it would seem like Laura and I are not actually best friends, but that's so not the truth. We're like sisters, annoying the hell out of each other and everything.

"You read my diary?" Laura yelped. "But… it's locked… oh." She face-palmed at not realizing beforehand that with my amazing lock picking skills, no place is safe. "Next time, my diary will be electronic, encrypted with ten layers of code."

"See, now THAT might be safe."

"Too bad you don't keep a diary; I could see all the sappy things you've written about Wing." teased Laura, poking me in the forehead. I was suddenly very aware of how warm my cheeks were getting.

"What are you talking about?" I stammered, aware I was doing a very poor job of convincing her that my feelings toward Wing were strictly platonic, maybe because they weren't.

Laura grinned mischievously. "Anyone can tell," she sang. "You're so obviously _soul mates. _Don't cover your ears! It's the _truth. _Shelby and Wing, sitting in a tree, S-N-O-G-G-I-N-G…"

"Get any louder, why don't you?" I hissed, grabbing her wrist. People were starting to stare. I was just thankful that Wing had long since disappeared into the crowd. Hopefully he was far out of earshot by now.

This continued until we reached Tactical Maneuvers, where Laura surrendered, apologized, and promised me her dessert at dinner. This was a LIE, because half the time Laura eats not only her dessert, but Otto's as well, when she can persuade him to hand it over. It's not that hard; it just takes a lot of batting of eyelashes, and often dropping things and then bending to pick him up in his presence. Men are so easy to manipulate. Well, some men.

We arrived after Otto and Wing had. Otto, Laura, and I bantered like usual as we geared up, donning the vests and guns that worked similarly to laser tag. Wing was oddly distant. Several times, I caught him sneaking quick glances at me. He was blushing, which was very unusual.

Ah. _Not _completely out of earshot then.

I really don't know whether to be pleased or not. I mean, Seventeen says that blushing glances are always a good sign.

Ok, so maybe I have a pretty big crush on Wing. I'm a teenage girl locked in a school for villains with no external stimuli except some geeky people with no lives in an online role-playing world. Sue me.


	2. Pwnage and Fine Print

**a/n: Check the end for the official authour's note, because it's too long and annoying to put up here.**

**Disclaimer: Yes, I do own H.I.V.E. Wait, no I don't. USE YOUR BRAIN.**

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Wing couldn't honestly say he had much… _experience_ with girls. He'd never really got out much, being the son of two heroic villains, and then locked in a school. In fact, you could probably say that he'd never even had a _friend, _much less a girlfriend.

But he didn't need experience to tell that something definitely odd was going on. Wing made a point to be completely in control of his emotions, but now they seemed to be bubbling up all over the place and leaking out around his ears. He could feel himself blushing, primarily when Shelby was around.

And that was a big deal; Wing _never _blushed.

"What's up with you?" Otto asked quietly, startling Wing out of his internal monologue of "Stay calm. There must be a reasonable explanation…" on infinite repeat.

"Nothing," Wing replied shortly, doing up the straps of his vest and donning his weapons. "Now, in Shelby's words, are you ready to pwn?"

Otto chuckled. "Sure. The girls are going down." He lifted up his two weapons and blew across the muzzles in what was supposedly a bad-ass Hollywood way but just made him look odd. Wing raised an eyebrow. "Oh, shut up, Wing." Otto snapped, levelling his weapons at Wing. "You never know who might turn on you."

"Is that really a wise choice?" asked Wing calmly, expertly twirling one of his own guns nonchalantly. Otto gulped.

"Of course not. It'd be safer to poke a sleeping bear in the eye. With a large sharp stick. That was on fire."

"Alright, you bunch of PANSIES!" bellowed Colonel Francisco suddenly, and everyone visibly jumped. Franz practically shot into the air, but, not being very aerodynamic, fell immediately and nearly knocked down Nigel. "I want to see ruthlessness! I want to see tactical manoeuvres! I want to see stealth! NOW GO!"

Pandemonium ensued. Red blasts of light shot through the air. "Keep close, we're going to go assassinate their leaders!" Otto shouted back to Wing, who had just deactivated two of their opponents at the same time. Luckily, the air was so thick with buzzing, battle cries, and the screamed swear words of those deactivated that Otto just loudly announcing their plans wasn't an issue.

"Stay here!" Wing commanded back to Nigel, who had just narrowly avoided getting tagged, and Franz, who was firing off shots at random with a look of pure panic. "Guard our leaders!" Nigel nodded, looking quite sick and moving to the side to block Marietta DaVinci from attacking their mannequin ringmasters.

"COME ON!" Otto yelled over his shoulder, accidentally tagging someone in his aggravation. Ducking a laser blast, Wing followed, shooting off a round towards an opponent sneaking up on him.

"Manoeuvre Beta!" recommended Otto, eyeing the three vicious looking alphas circling them. At the sound of his shout, all three began to shoot.

Otto and Wing ducked simultaneously; one of the opponent's blasts hit their team mate, who was deactivated for the rest of the game, and amidst the panic and shouts of "DAMN YOU, LEWIS!" Wing and Otto each snuck up beneath one of the remaining alphas and tagged them. The rest of the way to the leaders was suspiciously unclear, presumably because most of them were on offence, attempting to deactivate the opponents. The mannequins stood there blank and immobile, the large crosshairs on their chests grinning out invitingly.

"This is too easy," Otto muttered to Wing. Of course, as soon as that was said, Shelby and Laura appeared out of nowhere. Grinning deviously, Laura immediately lunged at Otto, who rolled out of the way. "You can't dance around forever," Laura taunted as they continued to play cat and mouse, and then paused, her gun lowered. "Well, wasn't that cliché."

"Just a bit," Otto shrugged, and Laura took advantage of his momentary let down guard to fire at him twice. "Bloody hell, Laura!" Otto groaned, as the lasers hit their mark and he was deactivated. "Give a guy some warning!"

"Now that wouldn't be very stealthy, would it?" Laura asked coyly, tilting her head to one side like a coquette. "Argh!" Otto threw his hands into the air. "Women!"

Wing however, was oblivious to all of this, as Shelby was behind him, her gun pressed into his back. "Alright, no sudden moves," she instructed. "Or I'll shoot you. Five times."

"Five?" Wing asked quietly, not turning around. "A little overkill, if you will excuse the pun."

Shelby groaned. "Rule number four, kid: I never, _ever _excuse puns."

"You will probably not excuse this either," Wing predicted, raising his gun to their leader so fast his hand appeared blurred. "Shoot me, and right before you do, I will shoot your leader, and my team will beat yours."

"Not cool, Wing. You're just lucky that you're cute or you'd be deactivated already." He could feel his cheeks getting hot.

"Will you two just hurry up and shoot each other?" called Otto from where he was sitting on the ground, Laura standing over him and laughing. "If we win, I want to be able to shove it in Laura's face, and if we lose, I want it to be as quick as possible."

"Shelby, stop flirting and kick his arse!" Laura commanded, fending off a second wave of opponents.

"Okay, listen carefully, big guy. I want to let you have a chance, so I won't shoot you… on one condition." Wing could hear the smile in her voice and immediately got the feeling that the condition would be full of humiliation. "You have to try out for the senior boys' water polo team."

"DO IT, WING! She's giving you a chance! It can't be worse than the endless teasing and gloating we'll suffer through if we lose!" Otto urged.

"Oi, shut it, you." Laura nudged him with one of her trainers.

"I will… do it." Said Wing heavily, unable to shake the urge that he was signing his own death sentence.

"Swear it. On all your stoic ninja honour."

"I… I swear it. On all of my 'stoic ninja honour'." No sooner were the words out of his mouth than Shelby shot him.

"FOUL!" Otto demanded. "You swore!"

"I didn't swear anything," Shelby smiled. "Wing did, though. See you at tryouts, big guy." Stifling her laughter, she shouted across the cavern.

"MARIETTA! NOW!" Wing and Otto waited as a cloud of gloom settled over their heads, and watched their leaders be blown to smithereens.

"Team Two wins! Team One, you're a bunch of losers!" Colonel Francisco barked. "Now I want all of you out of my sight!"

"Damn," Otto grumbled as they left the cavern. Laura smirked.

"Otto, I do not think you can deny that I have it worse," Wing said flatly.

Shelby came up behind him, grinning from ear to ear. "Yeah. Total pwnage."

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**a/n part dos: First, thanks so much to all my reviewers! You guys repeatedly make my day. And I love you all. A lot.**

**I have read all the books so far, but I'm trying to keep this spoiler free past Overlord Protocol for all the Americans who are suffering from Stupid Publisher syndrome and haven't been able to get their hands on a copy. **

**If you could, please leave a review/critique if there's anything I need to fix, especially involving the characters, especially especially Otto, because he was the hardest to write, and I have the feeling he sucks. Also, please point out any mistakes you find so I can fix them.**

**Thanks so much to everyone, and sorry for the long wait! **

**xoxo Abstract Cupcake**


	3. Friends Don't Break Friends' Noses

"I'm a genius," I giddily informed Laura that night back in our room after one of the most enjoyable dinners of my life. Not only did they serve ice cream for the first time in months, it was the most amazingly awkward dinner I've ever experienced. I could barely eat from laughing so hard the entire time.

"Not as genius as this!" she boasted proudly from her bed, clutching her laptop to her chest like her most prized possession. Which, to be truly honest, it probably was. "I encrypted my diary with M16 level protection, and, for extra security, I wrote it in a completely new language of my own invention! Hack into it now!" She flipped over onto her stomach and started typing at the speed of light. "The only drawback is that it's a total pain in the arse to get into now."

"I'm so proud of you," I answered dryly. "Now come onn, I want to gloat about _my_ achievements! SENIOR BOYS WATER POLO!" I proceeded to accept the tradition of happy, in-love teenage girls everywhere and dance around our room in the jumpiest, spazziest manner I could concoct. It was quite a throw-back; I hadn't done this since the days of boyfriend number eighteen. He was the one I shared "a special connection" with; y'know, until I found him Frenching my best friend in the locker rooms. I was so upset I robbed the Louvre. That was depressing, for sure, but nothing could dampen my mood _now_ as I continued to leap about with the successes of flirtatiousness.

Laura collapsed into laughter. "Alright, point acknowledged. Can I even mention how excited I am to see this? Wing. And water polo, thou most heavenly of sports…" she sighed.

"Hey…hey, back off!" I commanded, jumping onto the bed next to her, almost kicking her in the face as I flopped backward. "He's mine!" For a moment, there was silence. I realized suddenly that although I had probably been blatantly obvious to everyone except the suspect himself, it was the first time I had ever admitted my…_feelings_…for Wing. Officially. Out loud. To another human being.

"SO YOU ADMIT IT!" Laura's sudden shout of gleeful smugness startled my Wraith instincts so much that I really _did_ kick Laura in the face.

Laura gave a startled cry of "AUGHHHowwwwwdamnyoushelby" and fell backward clutching her nose.

"Oh shit!" I managed to gasp out. The impact of my striped sock against her nose had caused it to bleed very impressively; the whole lower half of her face was drenched in scarlet the same colour as her hair. I would be quite pleased with my self-defence skills if I hadn't just probably broken my best friend's nose. Through my frantic attempts to remove her hands from her face and try to find something to stop the blood, I fought the bizarre and sick desire to laugh.

At last locating some tissues, I shoved them up against her face. "PINCH!" I instructed her loudly, flinging my arms in strange ways in my rage of guilt and panic. It's one thing to be calm in a crisis when your friends are hurt; quite another to be calm when your friends are seriously injured _because of you_.

Underneath her mass of Kleenex, Laura began making a strange sound. Her shoulders started to shake uncontrollably. "OH MY GOD! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?" I worried in hysterical screams. "CAN YOU NOT BREATHE OR SOMETHING? OH MY GOD, I'VE JUST KILLED LAURA BRAND!"

Then I realized that she was laughing.

"Shel," she said in the tones of one whose nose is bleeding a lot, and most likely broken, by you, but by some token of total pain-induced insanity still loves you "I am the best friend you will ever have. Because although you have severely injured my face, and I am quite angry and in pain and I think kind of delirious, I will still help you achieve the man of your dreams."

"Wh-what? You're going to…help me get together with Wing?" I asked, my brain moving slowly in this chaotic turn of events.

"Aye! Blame the delirium. But you owe me your dessert. Every day, for the next billion years. Also, you need this." Laura motioned me closer. It struck me as the gesture someone with a magical secret makes on their deathbed. Normally I would make a sarcastic comment about that, but it hardly seemed the time, so I leaned in.

And sweet Laura Brand, my best friend in the whole world, pushed me off the bed with the force I didn't know she possessed. In slow motion I fell, hitting my head against the night table so hard I groaned, and the whole left side of my face felt warm…and wet.

"Oh my God," I said, watching Laura's bloody face fall into shock.

"SHOOT!" Laura screamed, searching desperately for something to stop the blood from my head that she had caused by suddenly developing the force of

She-Hulk.

"I'm very impressed by your ability to abstain from strong swearing considering the events of the last ten minutes," I mention.

Laura's hand hitched on to the first absorbent surface she finds, leaving a trail of drenched tissues behind her. Unfortunately, the thing she gave me to stop the bleeding was one of my bras that I left lying on the floor. An embarrassingly lacy one.

Ignoring my protests, she stuck the undergarment to my face. "Pressure," she whispered, tears streaming down her face, most likely due to a combination of guilt, hysterics, and pain.

"We might as well complete the role reversal now. I promise to help you get Otto if you promise to help me get Wing," I sighed, although I did enjoy the mix of ecstasy and suspicion that crossed her wounded features. "Here, we'll pinky-swear on it," I pause to switch my bra-ndage from my right hand to my left hand, then offered out my pinky finger.

"Alright," Laura agreed, beginning to laugh again. I couldn't help but join in, for the sheer absurdity, chaos, and scariness of the circumstances we'd just had. Plus, we'd both lost quite a bit of blood.

At that most inconvenient of times, Wing and Otto themselves appeared in our doorway. "Hey, girls, we were wondering if you wanted to study for…the…oh my God." Otto trailed off, and Wing looked distinctly startled as his eyes roamed over the scene:

Laura and I sprawled on the floor, laughing raucously and uncontrollably, our heads and faces both covered in blood. Laura sitting amongst a pile of Kleenex, me clutching a saucy bra to my face, our pinkies linked in that most bonding of promises.

"Perhaps…we should go to the…hospital," Laura managed to choke out through bursts of laughter.

"Let's," I agreed. We linked arms and walked out of there with dignity, that mark of truest sisterhood.

Okay, nix the dignity. But it was full of sisterhood. And Otto's face was the most hilarious thing I'd ever seen.

Begin Operation Obtuse Males.


End file.
